There is nothing in the Bible that indicates that God’s people are too forgiving, too gracious, too selfless, too loving, or too caring. Those are attributes of the Christian that must always be nurtured and intentionally grown because demand for them never quite seems to be satisfied by the available supply.

It is these very shortcomings (of love, grace, selflessness) that cause Christians to react with premature pronouncements of "false forgiveness" when true forgiveness is neither warranted nor wanted.

Rather than contemplate what is best for another person (the true meaning of loving someone else), Christians often ask "What is best for me so that I can get rid of these angry feelings in the least painful way possible?" So they offer "false forgiveness" (see article) to the offender just to make themselves feel better. By contrast they ought to pursue genuine restoration of the relationship through confrontation, and even via mutual counseling, to the point where the offender seeks forgiveness (and restitution if needed).

Far from being too forgiving, Christians are too timid in seeking biblical reconciliation. They too often redefine biblical forgiveness into "false forgiveness" and expediently foist "false forgiveness" onto others. By contrast, the less-used biblical approach costs much in terms of personal humility and swallowing of one’s pride. Yet, nothing repairs relationships like genuine reconciliation.

There are times in this life when other Christians will simply not accept our sincere apologies or attempts at reconciliation. Compounding such circumstances, third parties who are close to you but not involved in the dispute may be misled into believing you are at fault (they reason that if someone will not forgive you then you must have done something extraordinarily horrid to them and further that you refuse to repent), laying additional feelings of guilt and pain on your already burdened shoulders. Oddly, those close to you who blame you for having offended the unforgiving persons never seem to stop and reflect on how it is that a true Christian can ever refuse to forgive when petitioned to do so.

Before doing anything, pray. Pray for yourself, your attitude, and for the other person’s good standing in Christ. "Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. Is anyone cheerful? He is to sing praises." (James 5:13) Pray.

First, it becomes your responsibility to ensure you have actually extended a sorrowful and sincere apology to the one you offended (meaning that you are agreeing with your victim that you have wronged them). Second, you must make reparations (restitution) for whatever financial harm you may have caused, if any. Third, repeat step one. Fourth, repeat step one. Fifth, repeat step one.

There may come a time when the Holy Spirit convinces you that further apologizing is creating more grief than is seemly. At this point, one must turn the non-forgiving Christian over to God. Remember, at the moment following your first apology (and restitution payment in full, if it was needed) the responsibility of reconciliation shifted from you to the offended brother. The weight of reconciliation is now his. If he refuses to forgive, the guilt for the matter rests on him. You must wait for God to work on him.

Consider the parable of the Prodigal Son. The father did not pursue the selfish and greedy younger son, but let him go. He did not send repeated letters after him, nor go and spy on him. He just let him go and allowed God to work on his heart. When the son repentantly returned, the father was waiting to forgive. Would it not be wonderful if all offenses were so readily reconciled?

Yet, while we wait for the unforgiving brother to extend forgiveness (after we have apologized and paid restitution), we are obligated to treat him with love. We must treat the unforgiving person as a fellow Christian. We must also treat them at least as well as we might treat an enemy: bless them, love them, and treat them with kindness.

Even after all this, the relationship may be so strained, tense, and even quarrelsome with the unforgiving person that it becomes necessary to "live at peace." By way of illustration of what this means, recall that when an unbeliever desires to divorce a believer because of his new-found faith, the believer may grant the divorce so as to be "at peace" with the unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15-16). In this instance, peace means to take an "exemption from the rage and havoc of war" (Thayer’s) or to live in "quietness" (Strong’s). It implies that the two will live most harmoniously by being apart and silent toward each other. Such a state is the last resort for the relationship, as it runs contrary to Christian unity (Colossians 3:14, Ephesians 4:3, John 17:23).